Oaths of Enlistment
US. MARINE CORPS OATH
I, STATE YOUR NAME, SWEAR TO..UUUUUHHHHHH..
HIGH-AND-TIGHT....(GRUNT)....UUUHHHHH..
.....CAMMIES......AAAAAHHHHH....... AIR FORCE
WOMEN...(DROOL)....BIG GUNS....
OOHHHHRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
SO HELP ME CORPS
US. ARMY OATH
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States
Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air
Force. I'm not TOUGH ENOUGH for the MARINES, and the Navy won't take
me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers
in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to
wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell
myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I
am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court martial for sexual
harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT. After
completion of my Sexual....er....I mean BASIC TRAINING, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I
am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home
because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better looking Air
Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000hrs. because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1330 to report back to the "COMPANY". I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job
upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from
high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college,
but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me GOD.
US. NAVY OATH
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to
the United States Navy because I want to hang out with MARINES without
actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too
"corporate", and because I thought, "Hey I like to swim...why not?" I promise
to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on
the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the
Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I
will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world,
using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" when I really mean "floor,
wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms,
rank, and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different
from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster
(whatever that is) at 0700 hrs ever morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the
Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hrs. I vow to hone my Coffee
Cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed
around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and
subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for
Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possible illegal
whims
of my newfound "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
US. AIR FORCE OATH
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air
Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the MARINES
frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by
others more dedicated than me who take thier job seriously. I also swear not to
do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the
United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk
around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the
military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better
quality of life than those around me and will at all times be sure to make them
aware of that fact. After completion of my "Basic Training", I will be a lean,
mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne
Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean
the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work
unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those
around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to never being promoted
(EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will
probably outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God
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